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The Erogenous Zone with Hazel Mills What's on your mind? Are you ready to release your inhibitions, but aren't quite sure how to go about it? Well, don't fret. Why don't you ask Hazel? Get an answer to what has always piqued your curiosity by emailing Dear Hazel at hazelmillsstories@hotmail.com. * * * * SECRETS OF THE SENSUOUS
WOMAN Sensuality is an essential ingredient for a deeper sexual experience and it brings an unparalleled awareness and exploration of all of our senses. In lovemaking, it allows us to become intimate therefore giving us permission to make an emotional investment in our partner. We become totally oblivious to everything and everyone around us and we are only focused on what feels good to us and to our lover. Our skin hungers for their touch, we long for the sight of them, we crave the taste of their kiss, our bodies ignite at the sound of their “hello” and their lingering scent evokes erotic fantasies. Sensuality is not only limited to sex. We can make any experience a sensuous one, with the right state of mind. It is the passion and wonder we encounter in our everyday lives from watching the sunrise to looking into the face of a child. It’s in how we feel when we eat our favorite meal, snuggle with a cozy blanket or a good book or when we dance to our favorite tune. Here are a few things to try: 1. Have confidence in yourself. Nothing turns a man on more than a woman who knows what she wants and is not afraid to ask for it. 2. Make special occasions out of everyday tasks. Burn a scented candle while your are online paying bills or on the couch watching television. 3. Take the time for a long relaxing bath at least 2 to 3 times a week. Use this opportunity to invite your lover for some quiet time together. 4. Keep a gratitude journal. At the end of each day, write down all of the things that happened during your day for which you are grateful and why. It doesn’t have to be an extravagant entry or a lengthy essay. It can be one thing. Even if you’ve had a rough day, there is still something to be grateful for. 5. Eat chocolate. It releases “feel good” endorphins. 6. Buy fresh flowers. The cheap ones from the supermarket will work. The sight and smell of flowers makes us feel happy and special. 7. Call an old friend. The sound of their voice will bring back wonderful memories. 8. Do a favor for a stranger. The next time you are in the store and see someone struggling to reach an item on a high shelf, offer to get it for him or her. If you are on your way into the supermarket and you see someone returning the shopping cart, offer to do it for them since you are already going that way. 9. Dance in the mirror alone. Put in your favorite CD from back in the day and boogie down like you are coming down the Soul Train line. You’ll find yourself laughing up a storm before long. 10. Make love. No explanation needed. Remember that sensuality is the unconditional caress of each moment.
* * * * Dear Hazel, I need your help! I have feelings for someone other than my husband and I don’t know what to do. My husband and I have been married for 6 years. When we met each other for the first time at his cousin’s wedding, it was love at first sight for me. We were married 8 months later. When I got married, my family said that they were through with me. You see, I am white and my husband is African American. My own parents wouldn’t come to the wedding. I haven’t had any contact with any member of my family since then. My husband is in the military and is currently serving in Iraq. When he received his order to deploy, I was four months pregnant with our second child. We both decided that it would be better for me if I left South Carolina, where I have no one and moved in with his parents who live in Texas until he returned home. At first, the decision to move in with my in-laws seemed to be the right thing to do. They were wonderful and very helpful with the children and provided me with both financial and emotional support. I don’t know what I would have done without them. My mother-in-law and I are very close and I truly feel as if she is the mother I never had. Here’s the problem. My husband’s father and I have formed a special bond. I have fallen in love with him. He is always there to lend a shoulder for me to cry on when I need it. My husband’s departure left me feeling vulnerable. I feel that he cares deeply for me as well. We have kissed several times while my mother- in-law was away at the store or at church or whenever we are left alone at the house together. The last time we were alone, we came very close to having sex but didn’t. He was afraid that his wife might be keeping count of his Viagra and didn’t want to risk it. Instead, he just gave me oral sex. I was disappointed that I couldn’t please him but I understood. Lately, the sexual tension between us has been thick. He will walk pass me and pat my ass when no one is looking. I’m beginning to believe that my mother in law suspects that something is going on even though she hasn’t said anything. She is doing little things like leaving the house for five minutes but then comes right back, claiming she has forgotten something. She also keeps telling me that her son loves me very much and that she would hate to see him come home to a broken heart. When I ask her why she says that, she just says that there’s no reason. If my father in law and I are in a room of the house together alone for too long, she comes in and asks what’s going on. I love my husband and I don’t want to hurt him but I can’t deny my feelings for his father either. I love this man. I thought about moving out but I am afraid that doing so will raise a lot of questions. How should I handle it? S.M. in Texas
Dear S.M., Have you ever heard of a place called “hell”? It’s a very real place and very well may be your final destination if you don’t pull yourself together and stop sexing your husband’s father. What kind of fucked shit is this?! And for the record, if he went down on you, the two of you HAVE had sex. Don’t get it twisted. You need to get the hell out before your mother-in-law kills you because that’s exactly what is going to happen if you continue to live there. Does she know? Hell yeah she knows and right now, she’s just playing with your head. Your father-in-law is marked for death as well. How dare he do something like this to his son? I wouldn’t be surprised if your mother-in-law does have those pills counted. Again, you have disrespected yourself, your mother-in-law’s home and hospitality and you have dishonored your marriage. You need to go. Hazel Mills Got a
question for Hazel on love, sex, and relationships? Email her at
hazelmillsstories@hotmail.com. Remember to put Hazel’s
HOTmail in the subject line.
Dear Hazel,
I am thirty-nine and have been celibate since the birth of my second child in 1997. For the most part, I've been okay with that decision. I have dated a few men in the past but the relationships never go far once they learn that I am celibate and plan to stay that way until I get married. About a year ago, my sister introduced me to a man she works with. We began as friends and now the relationship has grown into something more. He is a wonderful and caring man. When I first told him about my celibacy, he was very supportive and even applauded me for taking control of my life. He never put any pressure on me about having sex, until about three weeks ago. The kisses are more intense and the touching is driving me crazy. I keep telling him to put the brakes on but he just says that he loves me and he wants to show me how much. I love him, too and that's what makes this so hard. My mind is telling me to say no but my body is saying yes loud and clear. Can I realistically expect a man to wait? I don't want to lose him. E.J. in D.C.
Dear E.J. I don't know where to begin. To me, it appears that your issue has nothing to do with sex. Your problem has more to do with respect. By putting pressure on you to sleep with him, it proves that he has a lack of respect for you and any decisions that you make regarding your body. You stated that you have not tried to conceal your choice to be celibate so he knew what the deal was from day one. Now, he pulls out the "Baby, I love you" line. What's next? Is he going to say that he needs to have sex in order to heal his acne? Come on! If you are solidly committed to remaining celibate until marriage, do that. Don't go back on the promise you made to yourself and jeopardize your self-respect for what will amount to about five to seven minutes of pleasure. You have done without sex for eleven years (God bless you) and have been fine. You have known this man for only one year. Yes, you can realistically expect a man to wait. You know why? Because it's your own damn body. If you do decide to sleep with him, do it because that is truly what you want to do. SIDEBAR: USE A CONDOM! Are there any plans to get married? Probably not. He just wants to vacation in Poonanny Park with any of the responsibilities of ownership. Stay true to yourself and what you want. Once you lose respect for yourself, I don't know if you'll get it back. If you lose him, well, you can get another man. One who loves and respects you, for real.
Hazel Mills www.hazelmillsstories.comGot a question for Hazel on love, sex, and
relationships? Email her at
hazelmillsstories@hotmail.com. Remember to
put Hazel's HOTmail in the subject line. So what do you think? Let us know your thoughts, leave us some feedback!
Dear Hazel,
What can you tell me about Tantra or Tantric Sex? A.W. in Florida Dear A.W. The word "Tantra" is Sanskrit for "weaving" or "expansion". Tantrism is a philosophy and way of life that includes the conscious and creative utilization of sexual energy to achieve liberation from the limits of the individual self. It allows a heightened awareness of the bliss and joy of each moment not only in sex but also in all of life, according to Divine Sex by Caroline Aldred. It is more than a just sexual experience. It is a state of spiritual ecstasy. The goal is to not only achieve orgasm but to also pleasure your lover and to connect with him or her completely. According to Discovery Health, the Tantric tradition emphasizes preparation for lovemaking. Erotic rituals that include creating an inviting atmosphere, harmonized breathing and erotic touching, focus on exchanging pleasures, awakening the senses and allowing couples to communicate on deep physical and emotional levels. Tantra distinguishes between the experiences
of orgasm and ejaculation. Although they often happen at
the same time, men are capable of having orgasms without
ejaculating. Exercising control allows Tantric lovers to
extend orgasm therefore enabling both men and women to
achieve multiple orgasm. Intimacy is key for Tantric lovers. Get to know yourself more intimately as well as your lover by focusing on what feels good and I think you'll be well on your way. Any journey that promises to make the sexual experience more full and complete is definitely worth taking. For more information on the art of Tantric
Sex and Techniques, visit DiscoveryHealth.com
* * * * *
Dear Hazel,
I am a thirty-three year old beautiful, attractive and educated woman. I have been seeing this great guy for about four months and things are beginning to get heavy. The thing is that I'm not looking forward to having sex with him. It's not just this man. I have had a couple of sex partners but I can't remember it ever being that great. I mean, it felt good for a few minutes and that's about it. The men have a great time but I always find myself lying there thinking that I would rather be shopping or painting my nails. What I'm really saying is, I don't think that I've ever had a real orgasm. I listen to my sisters and my girlfriends go on and on about having toe-curling sex and I feel like they are speaking a foreign language. When I tell them about my problem, they don't offer any real advice on how to get to that point. They just say that I don't know what I'm missing. My fear is that having sex with my new boyfriend will be just as disappointing as my other experiences. I don't want to be left thinking that I could have had a V8. What advice can you give me? T.W. in Alabama Dear T.W. Thirty-three and never had an orgasm? Girl, you have my sympathy. Your girlfriends are right. You don't know what you are missing. But I have a question for you. Do you know what it takes for you to achieve orgasm? If the answer is no, then I have another question. How do you expect a man to know what you want and need if you don't? So often we look for others to give us what we should be bold enough to give ourselves. See here's the thing. You need to know yourself better than anyone else does. In order to do that you need to explore your body. Yes, I said it. Masturbation. I'm not talking about the thirteen year old boy locked in the bathroom with his mama's Victoria's Secret catalogue type masturbation. I'm talking about true self -discovery. To achieve the best sex, you must know who you are and what makes you happy. Try this. Indulge in a luxurious bubble bath complete with scented candles and soft music. Relax and allow yourself to feel pampered. Treat yourself as you would treat a lover. Then, stand in front of a full- length mirror, naked. Realize how beautiful your body is no matter the size. You can even say it aloud. Pay attention to the rise of your breasts and the curve of your hips. Celebrate you. When you've become comfortable with the way you look, it's time to move on to the way you feel. Lie on your bed in a comfortable position. Touch, stroke, caress and pinch every inch of your body. Take notice of what sensations you like. Don't be afraid to lubricate your fingers with a water- based lubricant like KY or Astroglide and venture into your pleasure zone. Be sure to breathe as you explore each area and notice how your body responds to your touch. At first, it may feel like you are searching for a flashlight in the dark but once you discover what feels good, you'll linger there for awhile. Don't be surprised if you find yourself speaking in tongues. Once you have learned the art of pleasing yourself, then it's on to communicating your needs and desires to your lover. Don't be embarrassed to tell him that you prefer one thing over another. Pleasure is not one size fits all and men do not come out of the box knowing how to please us. They have to be taught. If he really cares about you, he will want to do the things that make you feel good. For more in depth information, I suggest that you head out to your local bookstore and pick up a copy of Pleasure: A Woman's Guide to Getting the Sex You Want, Need, and Deserve by Hilda Hutcherson, M.D. So what do you think? Let us know your thoughts, leave us some feedback!
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