Marriage, Personal Relationships
and Personality Types by Linda J. Burr
As February 14 approaches, we are reminded of
the importance meaningful personal relationships influence us and how much
everyone needs love and to be loved. It is very clear how critical it is to
value and be valued by another person in our lives. It also strikes a chord,
sometimes painfully so, that there are few “perfect” relationships because
there are no “perfect” people. Given this, what are the secrets of a
successful personal relationship? What are some important fundamentals for
keeping love alive in a marriage or long-term personal partnership? How can
one keep the fire of passion burning, the depth of a meaningful experience and
the music playing in the heart and soul? What is it that will make hearts sing
long after the lumps and bumps of life has faded some of the outer beauty?
In the short term, good looks, sexual and
physical health are immediate attractions. In the long term, intelligence,
honesty, warmth, passion, commitment and emotional stability are the
essentials that encourages couples to stay the course. External beauty and
physical attractiveness alone will not a successful relationship
make. There has to be a meeting of the minds, a sharing of values, and an
intertwining of the spirit and soul at a depth far below the surface of what
is seen on the outside.
For many centuries, the impassioned issue of
how to find and keep the flame of love alive has been the subject of countless
books, articles, counseling sessions, support groups and conversations. So
what, if anything, keeps the flame of genuine love, excitement and commitment
thriving? What are some key principles that everyone can and should apply in
their lives that will encourage longevity in their relationships?
Relationships
and Communications
We are attracted to each other for
various and sundry reasons. Perhaps we see in an individual an inner and
quiet strength we long for or we find their ability to make the
intellectually tough decisions stimulating. Whatever the reason, if we
fail to successfully communicate to each other, all of the attraction can
easily and quickly become like a noose around the neck.
According to personality type and relationship
experts Otto Kroeger and Janet Thuesen (1994), communication is at the very
heart of any meaningful relationship. As such, personality differences
especially around communication can be the tie that binds or the rope that
chokes the love and passion into or out of the relationship. One of Kroeger
and Thuesen’s favorite tools to alter couples to their communication
differences is the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI©).
In using the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI©)
as a framework for appreciating inborn preferences for communicating, it
becomes clear that what attracts individuals to each other often is also the
part of themselves that one might not find particularly appealing.
Understanding communication styles helps one come to value these differences
and together decide how best to support each other’s specific communication
needs.
As an example, in an argument, one partner in
the relationship may instantly want to talk it out while the other wants time
to think before discussing the issue any further. This seemingly small
difference can lead the more talkative partner to misinterpret this reticence
and feel the other partner simply doesn’t care enough to talk about the issue.
Yet by understanding and the quieter partner’s need to go into the inner world
of ideas and concepts to work out how they will respond will open the door of
communication to an even higher level. It is also important for the less
talkative partner to appreciate and value their mate’s way of communicating
and that there is a need to get feelings, thoughts and ideas quickly to the
outside.
Creating understanding in how we communicate to
each other is just one way personality differences can be a cornerstone to
begin or strengthen a marriage or partner relationship. It is not only the
words we say, but how we say them and in what context we say them that helps a
relationship grow and evolve. It is never too late to work on new approaches
in our communication styles.
Relationships
and Conflict Styles
Conflict in a marriage or partner relationship
is unavoidable! No one can escape it! Another significant way personality type
differences manifest themselves is in how disagreements and conflict is dealt
with in the relationship. It is never just a simple matter of one being right
and the other being wrong. Our personality preferences can predict how one may
react during stress or when in conflict. Thus our differing styles in managing
conflict become an element of the conflict itself – confounding resolution!
In looking at just one aspect of how
personality type differences play out, take the example of the partner whose
MBTI© preference is for Feeling (F). Such a person seeks harmony, is repelled
by conflict, and makes important decisions in a subjective and value-centered
manner. For this individual, conflict is to be avoided at all costs. Conflict
is seen as destructive to the relationship. The conflict itself also takes on
personal overtones, it is “taken personally”.
In contrast the partner whose MBTI© preference
is for Thinking (T) will usually recognize conflict as a natural element in
interpersonal relationships. For this type, while at times conflict is a
necessary evil to be dealt with, there are other times when it is seen as
quite productive. So rather than trying to avoid the conflict, the Thinking
preference partner will often see it as something to be pursued and may even
do so with the intention of helping the other person understand why they are
wrong (in order to help them become a better person, of course). Their natural
bent is towards winning all arguments – regardless of personal feelings.
Again, using the MBTI© as a guide, one can
easily see how personality preferences play a huge role in how individuals
approach, manage and resolve conflict. “The more you can put the dispute into
typological (personality type) terms, the greater the chance for a satisfying
resolution” (Kroeger & Thuesen, 1994). Some prefer to not deal with the
conflict while others want to put it out there…taking care not to allow the
conflict to fester into something worse.
On this scale, gender differences also play a
significant role in how conflict is dealt with. It is estimated that 68% of
men prefer the analytical, objective, non-personal approach to decision making
and conflict resolution while 61% of women prefer the subjective, values
centered, personal approach to the same issues (Opt, Loffredo, 2000). These
natural, inborn preferences for communicating underscore why it is so
important to understand and value these differences.
While it is true that conflict in ANY
relationship cannot be avoided, conflict can be “managed” in such a way as to
prevent it from devastating the relationship. It is in our accepting
differences, examining our approach and ability to communicate one’s needs,
where satisfaction in conflict resolution may be found. If anything is to be
avoided, it is the jumping to conclusions that your partner is just doing
these things to make you crazy or to drive you nuts. Personality type
differences are real and they impact everyone in very real ways.
Summary
It takes two to make marriage and partner
relationships work really well. It is more giving than taking. It is seeking
first to understand and then to be understood. Knowing and accepting your own
personality type preferences can open the door for greater self-management and
the ability to develop skills towards understanding others with whom you have
relationships. Whether it is a spouse, significant other, children,
individuals you work with…self-awareness offers one the freedom to be who you
are…no excuses!
Putting the theory of personality differences
to practical use allows individuals to manage themselves more effectively in
all forms of interpersonal relationships and find constructive ways to deal
with differences. This can create healthy, positive, meaningful and powerful
pathways to create balance and give strength to our loved ones.
No one is an island…no one stands alone.
Everyone needs understanding in relationships and people need each other.
Taking the time to explore one’s areas of strengths and weaknesses in
relationship can lead to greater fulfillment. The MBTI© expands the mind and
improves the opportunities for self-discovery, thus reaping the benefit
overall in many and various relationships.
References
Kroeger, Otto & Thuesen, Janet (1994). Sixteen
ways to love your love. New York: Dell Publishing
Opt, S.; Loffredo, D. (2000). Rethinking
communication apprehension: A Myers-Briggs perspective. The Journal of
Psychology. Available:
www.lexisnexis.com
About The
Author
Linda Burrs is the Principal Consultant for
Step Up To Success! a management and professional development consulting
practice located in the Dayton OH area. For more information using the MBTI©
and the Myers-Briggs Personality Type to aid personal or interpersonal
relationships, please call (937) 866-7511 or visit:
www.step-up-to-success.org.
You may also reach Linda at
lindaburr@aol.com.
