FAMILY AND
FEMALE SEXUALITY
R. K. SINGH
Family
is basic to social life, demanding equity and reciprocity between
man and woman. Even if there may not be a universal norm for family,
its functions and rules, its dynamism is universally
recognized.
About a
decade ago we celebrated the ‘International Year of the Family’,
which the U N had conceived as a global event to support families
“as the basic unit of societies” (Boutros Boutros Ghali). It was
also an opportunity for us to review the various threads of
socio-sexual life, “building the smallest democracy at the heart of
the society” in a “confused, confusing, materialistic, hedonistic,
conflictual, internecine, and antifamilisitc world.”
I am
convinced world peace is not possible without peace in society, in
family, in man and woman relationship. The misogynous outlook, as
promoted from the classical through the early church and middle
ages, cannot be relevant now; the traditional patriarchal biases
cannot be perpetuated; the call of the time is – promotion of
equality between males and females. When I say this, I have India
uppermost in my mind because it is here that the contradictions and
sex biases are very strong, whatever one’s caste or religious
affiliation.
A woman’s
sexuality is valued for non-sexual concepts like virginity and her
ability to bear male children. She is denied her own freedom,
howsoever logical and legitimate. She has to accept her lower status
in the society: She cannot make her own sexual choices nor can she
express her sexuality; the stigma of rape and prostitution affects
her rather than man who forcibly initiates the act; it is she who is
devalued socially and the society condemns man only for namesake; it
is man who thrives multi-billion dollar sex-trade and rarely shares
profit with woman.
Despite
the female/male sex ratio of 927:1000 (as per the 1991 census),
there has been a growing tendency among rich rural and urban women
to go in for amniocentesis, followed by the abortion of female
fetuses. And, there are thousands of cases of “dowry murders”,
sexual harassment and forced suicides by young brides whose
parents cannot meet dowry demands of the husband’s family (Maria
Mies, Patriarchy and Accumulations on a World Scale. London:
Zed Books, 1986, pp.146-160) in India, a country where babies,
barely days old, are engaged and girls are made to believe that
their goal in life is matrimony.
“The
children of this world marry, and are given in marriage” (Luke
20:34) and “whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth
favour of the Lord” (Pro.18:22). Thus, marriage is not only physical
union but also a God-ordained, divine institution: husband and wife
are conceived as one flesh (Mk 10:6-8; Eph. 5:28-31) and are
expected to stay together, love each other as their own flesh.
Because
God created human beings as male and female, He
created sex and ordained the institution of marriage to bind man and
woman together as husband and wife, not necessarily to procreate
(there is plenty of procreation without marriage!) but to lead a
family life, to make a home, through love and sex (Matt. 19:4-5).
It is
God’s design that we enjoy life, be happy, be one flesh in coitus,
and thus, glorify Him in the body. Sex is the source of happiness in
equality. Sex makes husband and wife dear to each other in the
privacy of marital togetherness:
Blessed
is
the
bedroom
the
bathroom
the
kitchen
the
drawing room
the
terrace
the lawn
and every
little
place and
spot
where we
prayed
or sexed
together
we
glorified our house
and
declared His mysteries
R. K. Singh.
Memories Unmemoried (1988)
It was
Euripides who said: “Man’s best possession is a sympathetic wife” (Antigone,
164). Aeschylus the tragedian observed: “Married love between man
and woman is bigger than oaths guarded by right of nature” (Eumenides).
In modern times, Martin Luther (Table Talk, 1569) notes,
“There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship,
communion or company than a good marriage.” And, Goethe: “The sum
which tho married people owe to one another defies cancellation. It
is an infinite debt, which can only be discharged through all
eternity” (Elective Affinities, 9-1809).
Familistic
bonds tend to promote marital joy.
But
marriage and fulfillment in life do not come for free: it needs
caring, loving, sharing, and extending commitment to each other
within the context of family.
Sexuality
is at the very core of family relations despite differences among
cultures. It is in the family one learns to understand one’s body
and practice socially acceptable sexual relations; the family
determines one’s expectations about sexual relations in society as
an individual; the family teaches one to see oneself as a sexually
responsive person. While commitment to sexuality is a key to
successful married life, it’s regulation (or discussion) in family
is not a vulgarization.
Today we
live in a mixed world that has lost its way, particularly in matter
of sex and marriage that are central to family structure. Today
every teenager has a greater sex consciousness than ever before and
yet there is increasing unhappiness, multiplying divorces, rising
juvenile delinquents, and mounting AIDS: A sheer drop from frying
pan to fire!
We
cannot, therefore, ignore sexuality or dismiss it as a mere feminist
concept. It is indeed very necessary to break the taboos that
prevent discussion on sexuality in the family and help gendered
individuals understand their own bodies and social identity beyond
what is determined by the traditional male dominated
family/society.
Isn’t it
height of coercive control that every 18 seconds, a woman is
battered by her husband or boyfriend in the USA and at least four
women die everyday? There has been a 200% growth in single-parent
households since 1970, from four million to eight million houses.
Pope John Paul was right in his Easter message to the world (on
April 3, 1994) that the family was under threat “at the very roots
of its existence.”
Panos D.
Bardis raises a serious debate on family related issues in ‘Wedding
wonders’ (International Journal of World Peace, X, 1, March
1993) and asks parents some plain questions: “Do you know about your
teenage children are doing?” “Do you know about the fruits of sex
delinquency?” “Do you know how difficult it is to participate in
their ‘shotgun’ wedding?” He has tried to probe the very basis of
the sexual answer to loneliness, which leads to the loneliest of
lives, devoid of the security and warmth of home, as it is.
The Western
society, riddled with ‘nuclear’ family and ‘traditional’ family
norms as also with norms of single parents and male/male or
female/female couples (who may or may not be homosexual), is now
facing both an economic and moral crisis. Its search for legitimacy
vis-à-vis the visible deviations in socio-cultural norms of
family and sex (such as the emergence of the gay community) has
thrown up new challenges in countries like the Netherlands, Denmark,
Sweden, Australia, and the USA that have already yielded to their
demands. Pansos D. Bardis seems right when he reflects on the
homosexuals and lesbians’ coexistence in their “families of choice”
vis-à-vis their “homophobia” (thanks to the spread of
HIV-AIDS epidemic) which virtually means ‘denial of the rights of
empowerment’.
Dr.R.K.SINGH,
Professor & Head, Dept of Humanities & Social Sciences, Indian
School of Mines, Dhanbad 826004, India.
Dr.R.K.SINGH,
M.A. (1972, Banaras Hindu University) and Ph.D. (1981, Kashi
Vidhyapith) is born, brought up, and educated in Varanasi. He is a
university Professor whose main fields of interest consist Indian
English writing, especially poetry, and English for Specific
Purposes, especially for Science and Technology. He has authored
over 145 academic articles, 160 book reviews, and 32 books,
including 12 collections of poems and 10 books of criticism.
