Samone M. Smith-Brown holds a Masters Degree in Clinical Psychology from Capella University and a Bachelors degree from Rutgers University.  She is a counselor specializing in relationship, self-esteem and psychological problems in men, women, children and adolescents in both group and individual settings. 

If you want to "Ask Sam" a question, click here.

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Don’t Just Take ANY Shit

I, just as many other women in the universe, have fallen victim to this.  We are so afraid of being alone, not having a man, causing “problems,” keeping up with our girlfriends and the Jones’ and caring about what others will think about us if we lose our man that we are willing to overlook what is being done to us for the sake of peace AND a PIECE of a man. This self-esteem bullying that WE allow begins to overcome us and thus begins to spill over into other aspects of our lives.  The things we “take”, we begin to “bring” into our other relationships with family and friends.   Not only does it affect those parts of our lives but it also manifests itself in our workplace and work place performance. Our self-esteem begins to dwindle to nothing and we begin to lose respect for ourselves, our dreams, wants and desires.  This, in turn, causes our partner to lose even more respect for us (that never-ending cycle of him not respecting you--->you not respecting yourself----->him----->you---> him----->you).  Our social skills and the way we begin to carry ourselves goes awry for we have now developed a low opinion of who we are. , We begin to carry ourselves in such a manner that we don’t feel or project that we are worthy individuals. Worthy of respect, happiness and love.  We begin to not speak up for ourselves in not just our intimate relationships but also with others around us in our social circles.  All of this because we just take any shit given. 

          A man and/or a relationship is an awesome thing to have, when it is one that has mutual respect, love, admiration, trust and honesty (seems like a lot, huh), but it is not the end all-be all.  One thing that we all must remember is that first and foremost we have to love ourselves for if we don’t, who else will-fully.  In order to give love and respect, we have to have it for ourselves.  We may all be different but those differences we all possess are what make us unique and worthy of all we have to give.  

          Having a relationship with yourself first allows us to extend that loving relationship to another.  We don’t have or need another to complete or validate us; we need to be able to do that for ourselves.  We need to be able to love being alone with ourselves, in our own skin.  There will always be someone skinnier, prettier, taller, or richer than you- but God (or your higher power) didn't make a mistake-or as my girlfriend used to say “God don’t make no junk”, so don’t allow anyone to treat you as such-hence going back to the topic of this discussion-Don’t just take ANY shit.

          So now, I guess some of you are saying, “Well, give me an example of some of the shit I shouldn’t take.  One point I would like to make before I write my short list is that we all know or should know ourselves.  We all know our own comfort levels and even if we don’t make it known, we all have a set point of how far we will be pushed before we react in our own way.  We don’t go looking or wanting pain, many of us don’t enjoy feeling it, so although I will name a few things that I FEEL should not be tolerated, you know you, so feel free to add to the list.  My writing and advice columns are meant to help, not to make anyone feel as if my words are the gospel and that if it is not in this column or on this list then it must not be right.  Listen to your heart, open your eyes, listen and love yourself.  You WILL make the right decisions-TRUST.

Short List of Shit that Should NOT Be Taken

*Cheating-

          No one should feel that they should share their lover, especially when you are not sharing your love for your lover with another.  Cheating is blatant disrespect and when you continue to accept it, and your partner knows as much, then why should they change?  They have their cake and they are eating it too.....ALL IN YOUR FACE and NOT sharing any of it.  Love and relationships are not meant for sharing.  The love between family members is wonderful (mother to a child, brother to a sister, these are meant for sharing and they are also considered a different type of love), but when it goes outside the realms of your expectations of what you want your relationship to supply, then you need to make the necessary corrections.  You can look at it this way- you would like done unto you what you are doing unto another.  Reciprocity is a word that every relationship should practice.  If you are not getting reciprocated with what you are giving, then (say it ladies) don’t take that shit!!!  It is okay to love someone BUT you have to love yourself more. Your self-worth and self-esteem is nothing that should be played with or given to another for them to measure how much of it you should possess.  It’s yours-keep it or TAKE IT BACK!!

*Abuse (both physical and mental)

To many this is a “no brainer” but to others this is a hard habit to break, especially if you are a woman who grew up seeing, being told and believing that if a man doesn’t hit you, then he doesn't love you.  Remember your man is not your father. He is just your man.  He shouldn't feel as if he has to chastise you.  Take a page from a man’s point of view, “if I have to beat her, I don’t need her”. Reverse that and say to yourself, “If he feels he has to beat me then, he is right, he doesn't need me and I don’t need this”.  If it hurts, it is wrong.  Many women stay in an abusive relationship for their own reasons they feel justify their remaining with their abusive partner.  What they fail to realize is that there is NO REASON on Earth to stay with someone who abuses you in any way.  Staying for the sake of the kids does more damage than good for it gives your children a false sense of what a relationship should be.  Trust me, as they find themselves in their own relationships, they begin to emulate what they saw and they either take what is given to them, seek out abusive relationships because that is what they know and what they are comfortable with, or they become the abuser and continue the cycle of what they were witness to when they were young.  The adage “Children learn what they live” rings very true in this sense.   I know from whence I speak.  It is a hard cycle for a young person to break.  They first have to recognize the problem for themselves. People telling them that the abuse is not right or worth the hurt really does fall on deaf ears.  Children need a safe and nurturing environment.  Your household is like a school.  Your children learn the lessons of life within their “safe walls” and are within the household much longer than they are in a classroom.  Would you send your child to a school where you knew the teachers fought with one another and cursed one another in the presence of your child?  I think not.

          Mental abuse is equally as horrendous as physical abuse.  It doesn't matter that the scares are not visible from the first glance. The mental scares do become visible when the individual has to perform, open their mouths to others, form relationships and just by the way they carry themselves.  A broken spirit and poor outlook is equally as bad as a black eye or cracked rib.  You DO see both.  Your mental body is just as fragile as your skin.  Your skin is the covering for your bones; your bones are the protective covering for your heart.  Your heart is what can get your mind together enough to see that words DO hurt and the hurt needs to stop.  YOU have to stop it.  In the case of abuse, many times the man in our lives tries to turn the tables and make us.  Their abuse makes us feel as if we are the lucky one in the relationship to have him in our life.  We are too blind to see that statement, as the opposite.  Really your mate is  scared  of loosing you BUT knows how to keep you without having to show his true feelings or “weaker side”.  Knowing that they can keep you just by “keeping you” in check makes their acquisition of their wants easier.  Many of these men have been witness to this type of behavior through some other man or individual in their lives. Again, children learning what they live.  You have to begin to realize that if anyone in the relationship is the winner of the prize, it is he.  But ask yourself, does he really deserve the prize of having you there?  Is he treating his prize like it should be treated?? Would you reward a child for acting out??  If your man is acting like a child, then, don’t reward him, reward yourself.

* Drug Abuse

          This is something I feel should not be tolerated for it can lead to many other things.  Drug abuse can lead to the physical and mental abuse, it robs the relationship of emotion, clear thinking and actions. If there are children involved it could lead to drug abuse on their part either intentionally or by accident.   It is a short lived high and when your partner comes crashing down, they will do anything to get back to that plateau they feel they were on when they were high from stealing to turning tricks.   It is a disgusting thing to do to your body and it is selfish for the person is devoid of thinking of the feelings of the others involved in the relationship(s) around them. 

* Sexual abuse of children

          This is a very sore spot with me for I again know from which I speak.  The most horrendous of the shit that should not be taken.  If your man is sexually robbing your children of their innocence, of their childhood, self-esteem, safety in their home and surroundings, the chance to grow and discover their sexuality in a normal fashion and the ability to grow and develop a mind that is clear of such horrible atrocities committed against them, YOU MUST LEAVE!! No questions of exceptions.  If a woman stays after discovering that this is happening to a child that they brought into this world OR any child in their care or relationship circle, she should be held equally accountable for any repercussions that occur as a result of this.  Staying with a man just for the sake of having a man with no disregard for your child is also a slight against you and shows exactly how much respect you must have for yourself.  Not because your man sees he can do anything he wants to you and that you will stay BUT, it shows the lack of respect for yourself for if you can’t take care of another life that YOU bought forth, then your life, in your mind, has to mean absolutely nothing and your self-esteem and values are lacking.

* A man who doesn’t respect his mother

          This should be self-explanatory. This will be very brief.  If a man doesn't respect his mother then why should or would he respect you or treat you the way you deserve?  A mother is next in line under God and if he can’t show respect for  the woman who gave him life, then what chance do you have?  There is nothing about you so “magical” that you would rate higher on the respect ladder than his mother.  Sex is great but it is like fireworks- they are nice and beautiful when they are exploding but after they’re over, what do you have??  If there is no respect, no amount of sex will make him treat you any differently.  In fact, it does the opposite for if you still give in to his desires no matter how he treats you, why should he listen to you when you cry for respect? We should remember that sex in relationships should come with respect, like a great meal accompanies great wine.

           I also want to preface this for the women who are thinking “What if he had/has a terrible, evil mother how he can show her respect??  I can see why he would treat her the way he does”.  My response to you is this.  Just as we tell our children and we were told as children if someone is mean to you, stay away from them, he can have limited, BUT respectful contact with her.  He can still make sure she is okay and be there if she needs him but just as two wrongs don’t make a right, treating his mother the way she treats him isn’t either.  Two wrongs don’t make anything right but it will get you left-believe me!!

*Lack of respect for YOU

          This too will be short for the things I’ve mentioned on this list show a blatant lack of respect for you as a person and a lack of respect for the relationship and people around you.  People respect you when they feel you EXPECT it…not just deserve it.  Enough said.

          Ladies (and gentlemen), I write all that I do out of love.  I would be keen on hearing feedback, answering questions or in starting a dialogue with one or many of you who read this for I feel we can all learn from one another.  Even if you would like to disagree, I am open to that as well.  There may be some points of view that you may want to share.  Please feel free to email me at: open4advice@hotmail.com.  All emails will be returned and all topics discussed either in open forum or through email exchange.  I am open to give advice as well as receive but let’s all do it with a level of respect.

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Drop the Baggage

By Samone M. Smith-Brown, M.S.

Baggage can come in all styles, designs and shapes.  From the cheapest we can find, to the most expensive-Gucci, Louis Vuitton and the like.  But the one thing that all of these receptacles have in common is that they all serve the same purpose-they carry around our baggage, our luggage.  I say this in a metaphoric style to help you to realize that no baggage is better or any different than any other.  The way we acquire our baggage or the person or persons from whom we receive our baggage doesn’t makes any one person’s different, more expensive or better, it is all the same.  Louis Vuitton to Jordache, to no name brand, we all are doing the same thing.  We should recognize that even if we live in Beverly Hills or in a remote part of the country, the things we lug to other relationships, no matter how pretty, rich or attractive the person carrying it is, the contents of their bags needed to be UNPACKED.

When we unpack, we need to do so after each “excursion”- meaning, each relationship.  You can look at it in this context - You wouldn’t carry the same luggage to Alaska that you would carry to the Bahamas or Jamaica.  Two different climates- just as each relationship is also that- two different places, two different people, two different circumstances, so treat them as such.  One situation or signs of a situation that you may have experienced with someone else is not necessarily the same type that you will encounter with another.  For example, you were dating “Bobby” (Alaska) for a long time.  You felt he was or could possibly be “the one.”  But as time went on, Bobby began not to answer his cell phone, would stay out later at times and some of his habits changed.  After some of that good old-fashioned detective work we all have done, you find out Bobby was unfaithful and you decide to leave.  The luggage you carried from that relationship was that from now on, when a man doesn't answer his cell phone, he is usually cheating.  This is what you carry with you to your next excursion or relationship with “Nate” (Jamaica) including all of the hurt and pain you never “unpacked” before you left Bobby (Alaska).

One day you decide to call Nate and he just so happens not to answer your call.  This triggers your heart and mind to relive the hurt you felt when you found that Bobby was not who he claimed to be.  So, instead of using the clothes or baggage you have for your new relationship, you now decide to unpack from your old relationship and you let Nate have it all.  None of which was given to Bobby who deserved it.  Your knowledge of and situations that you have with your new relationship becomes null and void for your heart needs to be protected.  Any good excuse that Nate may have that may very well be the truth, you will not hear.  Your hurt and heart are speaking too loudly for anything or anyone else to get in.  Your heart is the most important part of your being at this time and in order to protect your heart, you LOSE YOUR MIND.  We needed to unpack, we need to unpack.  I am not saying that we need to be blind to situations and not to be alert, for no one will love you and protect your heart better than you. It is okay to love someone but you should love yourself more.  BUT, when we carry too much luggage and don’t unpack when it is warranted, we tend to be on such a high level of defense that we neglect to see the situation for what it is. Feel how heavy your suitcase was and how heavy it gets from relationship to relationship?  TAKE THE “CLOTHES OUT GIRLS.” 

All men are not dogs, but the ones that are, I hate to say it, had a hand in getting that way from women (and mothers) who allow men to do as they wish for they are not the one’s on the other side who are feeling the pain of heartache.  But soon, trust me, karma is a bitch and what goes around comes around.  For women, you will be on the other side of the street one day and for mothers who are raising their sons as if they can do no wrong, don’t have a daughter, for the materials that you are sowing with your sons, remember, SOMEONE ELSE is sowing the same seeds with their sons and you should pray that your daughter doesn’t find herself tilling his crops, for she will experience a bad harvest. 

But men can’t be the only ones blamed for baggage we may carry for some of the old dirt we have given and sown as women can cause us to feel leery of trusting another.  Our dirt yields our insecurities, which in turn also puts us on high alert and causes us to bring baggage, create baggage and carry baggage to and from our relationships.  Everything didn’t necessarily have to be done to you, remember that.  Our actions cause reactions.... we can’t always give blame; we sometimes have to accept it as well.  Being a “dirt dog” is not just a man’s game, we can be “dirt dogs” and downright “dirt bitches” when we want to.  “Don’t hate the player, hate the game;” is a cute and catchy saying but behind closed doors, we catch more than just the saying.

Everything in a relationship is reversible.  It isn’t always just being fed to us, we feed things back as well.  Another example, Ladies: Your man was good to you, never cheated, but you got good with your game, cheated, played him, never got caught.  This relationship eventually ends and you are now single and ready to mingle.  Sooner or later you get into a relationship where you are the one with your “nose opened” and every excuse your man or mate gives you rings a familiar bell in your head of the times when you used the same excuses to do your dirt.   EVEN IF your mate is being truthful with you, your heart is on the line.  Your head signals your thoughts, your thoughts signal your heart and your heart signals the need for protection.  You accuse, argue and even check out the stories given to you.  Even if their stories come up truthful every time, you are still going through the fire drill of “ I remember what I used to do and I will not be played-OH NO HE WONT”.   The not knowing if he or she is telling the truth is what is killing you inside for you know that when the shoe was on the other foot, you actually had them on wrong because you used to lie.  But do you know what you are doing- you are folding up another shirt to pack away in your suitcase to carry with the baggage you are creating.  A mind may be a terrible thing to waste but it is also a terrible thing to play with and when you play with other people’s mind indirectly or even without their knowledge, it plays with yours as well.  Everything has a cause and affect.  If you cause it, it will affect you, maybe not sooner but definitely later.

Part One - Relationship Advice 

From the time we were small girls, gaining and maintaining relationships has been a constant battle.   It started out as just play fights and pigtail pulling in the schoolyard to full-blown arguments and battles.  Relationships are essential in maintaining a strong lifeline to society as well as for supplying us with personal fulfillment.  The small thing that many of us seem to neglect to think about is that, no matter what type of relationship we find ourselves in, they all start out the same way.  We have fondness for someone and then it progresses from there.  But, the trap that many of us seem to have fallen in and the most important step that we neglect is that we FORGET that all relationships start out with friendship.  Simple admiration for another person, a piqued interest that makes us want to know more.  But in the quest to get to know another we fail to get to know ourselves.   What we fail to realize is that in order to find and maintain a healthy relationship we first have to learn how to become a good friend to ourselves before we can become anything to anyone else.  If we treat ourselves with the love, respect, admiration and care that we are trying desperately to give to another, it would then be very hard to accept anything less than the best for ourselves in any type of relationship; personal, work related, intimate or otherwise. Treat yourself the way you would want others to treat you. 

Many times as women, when we find or think we have found that “special man,” we tend to jump on him without thinking through all that needs to be looked at and considered when progressing to a serious relationship.  We begin to blindly rationalize within ourselves and feel that “we know what we are doing” even when the obvious is staring us in the face.  Many times our rationalization comes from outside factors that we internalize- ‘we are getting up in age so we had better get a move on; everybody else has a man, so why not me; we feel lonely or we are just plain unhappy with ourselves and we see a man as the answer to our own completion.

Many times when we find an interesting man, we tend to look, hope and pray for any sign of the attributes we are looking for and if he exhibits a modicum of having the “right stuff” we begin to “see” that he has all of the qualities we were looking for, when in actuality, he doesn’t.  We just want him to have the qualities so badly that we take that small display and begin to “see” that he has what we want and if we have to settle for just some of the qualities not being there, it is okay, we can help him to develop the others.  How come we don’t ever realize that we can’t ever change a man and that the onset of trying to do so is a sign from the beginning? We shouldn’t have to try to develop and see things in him that are just not there.  We turn our “want” for a relationship into a “need” for one when in all actuality what we needed to do was to “need” ourselves a little more.  While we are cultivating our man like he is farmland in Montana, we have yet to realize that we should have unpacked our heavy baggage we lugged into this relationship and that we should have finished tilling our own land before we try to grab up a piece of land that may have been left “unsold” and untilled for a myriad of reasons.

I know some of you reading this right now are feeling as if I am a woman bashing women.  This is not the case for I am writing this out of love. We can all learn from one another. We all have something important to give and say, so lets stop eyeing each other, not listening to one another, not respecting one another and others relationships and lets try to live happily and healthy.

"We are all Sisters in the struggle to remain above ground in a world of cement shoes.  Relationships are hard.  We need to learn to become harder."

What do you think?  If you would like to respond to this article click here and sign our Guestbook to leave a public or private statement, comment or reaction.

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Samone M. Smith-Brown holds a Masters Degree in Clinical Psychology from Capella University and a Bachelors degree from Rutgers University.  She is a counselor specializing in relationship, self-esteem and psychological problems in men, women, children and adolescents in both group and individual settings. 

If you want to "Ask Sam" a question, click here.

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